I had a bad day yesterday and was still upset last night when I went to the basement to throw a load of clothes in the washer. There, I found an ashtray I’d missed–with a cigarette in it. Matches were right next to the ashtray. I looked at the cigarette for a while. I put it in my mouth and picked up the matches…

Then I threw the cigarette and contents of the ashtray in the garbage. Wheww!

I knew emotions were going to be my toughest triggers. I’ve been doing deep-breathing exercises occasionally this week. They really do help.

Now, I’m not a medical person, but this is the deep-breathing exercise I was taught:

1. Sit or lie in a comfortable position and try to relax your shoulder and neck muscles. I like to close my eyes so I feel more removed from my surroundings.
2. Breathe in through your nose until your lungs feel pretty full.
3. Purse your lips like you were sucking on a lemon.
4. Exhale as slowly as you can, keeping your lips pursed.
5. Do this a few times until you feel calmer.

Dream, Dream, Dream

Last night, I dreamed that I was smoking a cigarette. I didn’t enjoy it. In fact, I was really angry with myself and I thought I had let so many people down.

It doesn’t take Freud to figure out something that straightforward. So, I have to thank you all for making me accountable in this process.

It has been 60 hours since I had a cigarette. (OK, there was that single puff Tuesday night, but I’m going to be generous with myself and not count it.) I’ve already noticed the following positive changes:

• I don’t wheeze when I exhale. Years ago I went to the doctor because I had a miserable cough and breathing issue that wouldn’t go away. She checked me out and diagnosed both bronchitis and asthma. She asked if I smoked and I confessed to the habit. Her response was a terse, “Do you have a death wish?”
• I’m not clearing the glunk from my throat all the time.
• I can smell when people have been smoking.
• The odor stench of my car is more disgusting every day.

Benefits I Can’t See

• My blood pressure and pulse rate should be normal and my circulation has improved.
• The carbon monoxide from the final three cigarettes I smoked one-right-after-the-other Monday night is gone, gone, gone from my bloodstream.
• My chance of having a heart attack is reduced.
• My damaged nerve endings (well, what do you know) are regrowing.

In 12 hours, I’m supposed to have more energy. I hope so. All this focus on not smoking, and the reduced levels of nicotine in my system because I’m only getting it from an occasional lozenge, are tiring. Nicotine is a stimulant and they say my body will need to adjust to its absence.

Beyond that, I’m not having too much trouble. When I get a craving, I suck on a nicotine lozenge and get busy with something distracting–and the craving passes quickly.

Fire!
I really couldn’t appreciate how powerful the smell of smoke is before this week. It makes me think of an incident a few years back. I worked at an ad agency in a beautiful old building about three blocks from the state capitol.

It was the dead of winter and the wind chill was about 400 degrees below zero. I was huddled outside with a fellow smoker, our fingers so numb we could barely hang on to our cigarettes, and we decided we’d had enough. I suggested we smoke in the basement furnace room. It was one of those massive old octopus furnaces, with an open flame at the base and it was far away from any work areas–and coworkers.

Well, we had quick cigarettes next to the bellowing furnace, then crept out and closed the door. As we headed back to our offices two floors up, we heard a rumble of footsteps and someone yelling, “Fire!”

Everyone searched the building for smoke and possible flames and, of course, found nothing. My cosmoker and I stood by dumbly.

It seems a couple of our print production people were using the spray booth on the second floor. The spray booth had an intake and exhaust system–that vented to the basement.

Did I say anything? Well…I was a vice president…a person of responsibility…a person who helped run the agency…a person who made rules.

No. I didn’t say a word.

No cigarettes for me today. I’ve only had very fleeting urges. I’ve had meetings and kept busy all day. I know that helped.

This afternoon I said to my colleague, Kurt, “It just doesn’t seem right that I’m not jonesing more for a cigarette after smoking for 35 years.”

We’ll see how tonight goes. It will be a normal evening at home, with, I suppose, a dinner. Then I’ll wish for a cigarette as dessert. Maybe I’ll walk the dogs, instead.

Confession: I did not have a cigarette last night. I did, however, have that one puff I longed for. I didn’t light the cigarette because that would have required a big drag of smoke. And I had no desire to take a second puff. OK–I had no intention of taking a second puff. Desire I had. I will try not to do this again. (But I did enjoy it–a lot.)

A nicotine lozenge this morning helped my cigarette anxiety and I stopped fantasizing about strange withdrawal symptoms.

My car smelled disgusting today (think dead rat on the engine block), but I still wanted a cigarette when I got in it. I need to find something to do when I’m in the car that won’t distract from my driving. Any ideas?

It has been 17 hours since I had a cigarette. (It sure feels a lot longer than that.) I do not want to go outside and light a cigarette. I would lovvee one puff. Just one.

I’m doing fine. I’m still very jittery. In fact, I’ve been so jumpy today that I’m becoming a bit fatigued by it.

This is a bearable process. Fortunately, we have a function to attend this evening, which will help keep my mind off smoking.

I’ve had many meetings today and my husband, Jeff, and I haven’t had a chance to talk. However, he did send me the following message in an email:

Hey Darlin’, Sorry I missed you on the phone. Glad to see that so far… not sooooo bad.( I’ve read both blog entries) I love you (and I’m proud of your determination/bravery). Jeff

Am I ever lucky.

I’m doing ok. It helped that I had a two-hour training session this morning. My normal cigarette break would have taken place during the middle of the training. I will admit that after the session, I thought just one puff would be wonderful and hold me until tonight. That passed. I’m sucking away on the nicotine lozenges, but I can’t really tell if they help.

The support I’m getting is fabulous. The whole department brought in healthy goodies. I’ve been getting emails from people at work and from friends. People have been stopping by my desk. It helps a lot.

Gayle, one of our health educators, suggested that I put money in a box every time I have an urge to smoke, but don’t.

I got too busy to focus on my withdrawal symptoms, though I can report that I have a slight headache and I’m clammy and jittery. It’s not too bad. I’ve also had waves of laughter. Go figure.

Quit day is here

I stayed in bed through the alarm and one snooze alarm to avoid my usual coffee, cigarette, CNN, newspaper routine.

While I was getting ready for work this morning, I thought perhaps I was having a heart attack. Then I decided that I was feeling light-headed because I wasn’t breathing right. Then I thought I was going to faint. Then I realized I was approaching a panic attack–all because of the build up to this date and my anxiety about withdrawal symptoms. (I experience many symptoms of the conditions I write about.)

Dressed and down in the kitchen, I filled my coffee travel mug, grabbed my books, yogurt, dried apricots and NICOTINE LOZENGES. I checked my purse to make sure I had my cigarettes–part of the morning routine–and realized that I don’t have any. Yikes!

When I got in the car, I really wanted a cigarette, so I tried to focus on anything but wanting a cigarette. Then I focused on what withdrawal symptoms I might be having. Half way to work, I discovered my coffee mug was not in the car, so I headed back home. Going without coffee today was far more withdrawal than I was willing to take.

At work, finally, my heck-of-a-good-guy boss (no, my review isn’t scheduled anytime soon) had brought in loads of healthy snacks in celebration of my quit date. I also had an email message from Andee, my Harris Health Trends smoking cessation advisor.

I’ve made it to 8:45. Is it normal to feel clammy and jittery, or am I having a stroke?

Tomorrow is my quit date and I don’t have a clue if I can get up in the morning and not have a cigarette all day. Someone may need to knock me out and tie me down.

I don’t know how I’ll react. What if I go beserk? What if I’m so mean that I get fired, lose all my friends, my family deserts me and my critters take to the road? What if I’m so rattled that I can’t sit still and focus on my work?

I do plan the following:

• Tonight I’ll take the ashtray out of my car.
• I’ll remove all ashtrays from the house.
• I’ll pick up some plastic straws and cut them to the length of a cigarette–something to fiddle with in my hand.
• I’ll stock up on sugar-free gum and candies—and cinnamon sticks.
• I have a tin of old-fashioned candy sticks—a thoughtful gift from Beth Stewart, one of our Trust health educators.
• Although they’re not sugar-free, I like licorice, so I’ll pick up a package of licorice sticks.
• I’ll carry a good book I’m reading with me all day. (All about the US entry into WWI. OK, I know–but I find it interesting.)
• I’ll also have a couple of crossword puzzles at hand.
• If I’m going nuts, I plan to go for a walk.
• I’ll take my nicotine lozenges with me everywhere.
• I’ll go out of my way to avoid places where people are smoking.

Should I have someone hold one cigarette for me–just in case?

My quit date is looming. Everyone asks about it. I’m getting nervous.

I decided to check out alternative smoking cessation aids, namely acupressure/acupuncture and hypnosis. Do they work? Well, some studies say they do work for smoking cessation and some say they don’t. There is growing evidence that they can be of value in treating pain, nausea and other conditions.

There are people who absolutely swear by acupuncture and hypnosis. I figure, even if they only have a placebo effect, if they work, why not?

Acupressure

I hoped that I could find do-it-yourself information on acupressure–applying pressure on specific parts of the body to treat certain conditions. No such luck. I understand that a practitioner can teach you the techniques so you can use them yourself. The pressure points for smoking urges and eating urges are somewhere on or around your ear. Sounds like an opportunity to me.

Acupuncture

Acupuncture works pretty much like acupressure, but very fine needles are used, instead of pressure. I have read about people in China have surgery–with acupuncture as the only anesthesia. Not a chance.

Hypnosis

I’ve heard a lot of stories about people who used hypnosis successfully to quit smoking without gaining weight. This is corroborated by enough studies that I buy it. It may, however, be more effective for men than women.

My grandfather–the junior high history teacher who was in southern Indiana–went to hypnotist’s school in the early ’60s. I have no idea why. My mother’s favorite photo of him was taken the night he graduated.

I nagged and begged Pap-pa to hypnotize me but he insisted it was far too dangerous to hypnotize a child.

Remember that the Trust has a Complementary and Alternative Medicine Program with a practitioner identifier, helpful library and discounts.

I know I would say, “There’s no use quitting now because when we go to Europe in September, everyone will be smoking.” In fact, this is exactly what I said the past two years. Then I would put it off until after the always-stressful holidays…and on, and on.

The blog is a great motivation because I feel I’d let you down if I don’t give kicking the habit my very best shot. That said, I have thought about asking to be strapped to a bed and put in a coma for two weeks.

Beyond distracting myself, I’ve been working on mind games I can employ when I’m craving a cigarette.

• Susan, you cold be getting chemotherapy right now.
• Even worse, you could be with Jeff while he gets chemotherapy for cancer caused by your second-hand smoke.
• You could be lying in a bed at hospice.
• You could be dragging around an oxygen canister.
• You could be learning to talk all over again, recovering from a stroke.
• You could be recovering from bypass surgery after having your ribs wedged apart or sternum cracked open.

Jonesing for a cigarette doesn’t sound so bad, does it?

About Europe

Jeff and I had never been to Europe until two years ago. At that time, we hadn’t taken a vacation in five years. You know the obstacles: kids, house and garden, and other obligations always seemed more important. And when you work in management in an ad agency, well, forget any long vacations.

Now, I’ve been an ardent Francophile since I read “Les Miserables” when I was 10 or 11, and I have long yearned for a visit to Paris. Losing my mother and 37-year-old brother in 2003 was a big eye-opener on how important it is to truly experience life. Thus, we went to Paris and Brugges, Belgium in 2004. Last year, we went to Paris and Provence.

This year, we’re going to Alsace-Lorraine and southern Germany. We have our plane tickets–now comes the fun part of planning details of the trip! (Canal towns, castles, world war sites, vineyards, village markets, antique stores, Dachau.)

If you haven’t fulfilled a longing to visit Europe, Japan, Africa, etc.–don’t put it off! One of the most profound results of our travels has been gaining a sense of being a citizen of the world, rather than just the U.S.

We should be able to go to Europe again next year; after that, we’ll have to come up with a creative way to fund our trips. Our pie-in-the-sky idea? Importing European art or antiques. (Our start-up funds? Zero.)

Whatever we do, I plan to do it smoke-free.