I’m smoking more than half a pack a day now. It’s like I never quit. I’m not happy about it–but frankly, I don’t much care.

Picking up a cigarette–immediately–in a time of personal disaster makes me believe I never really quit in the first place.

I got the call about Meg’s death at work. I had a total meltdown (It will be so embarassing to go back–I showed no dignity whatsoever.) at the phone bank and kind coworkers walked me back to a private office where I could make some phone calls. I don’t ever remember shaking that much in my life.

Not getting an answer on Dad’s two phones, I called Jeff and arranged to meet him at home. On my way out to the car, I stopped at a colleague’s desk and bummed a cigarette and lighter. Then I smoked in my car, dumping ashes into my coffee mug because I’d tossed out the ashtray.

I puffed and yelled and cried my way home. On and off, I’ve been doing all three since then.

I do know I can quit.

The loss of my sister to untreated depression and life circumstances is just too much to cope with. I need to be tough in managing some details, but in private I dissolve to mush again. I turned to cigarettes for what solace they might give me.

Now that the service is over, there’s her home and business to resolve. Being the sole heir, this is on my shoulders. So, I’m still in Florida, staying at my sister’s house and attending to never-ending details.

Yes, I have every intention of setting a new quit date and kicking the habit all over again. Not now, though.

I’ll try to start posting more frequently again.

I will not be posting for a few days. I have lost my dear little sister, only 43, to her own struggle with depression. Today, Jeff and I are heading down to Florida, where she lived, and won’t be back until the middle of next week.

I’m overcome with grief and staying slightly sane with the endless list of unhappy things that must be done.

Why couldn’t I have done more for her?? Could I have prevented this?

How does one cope with something like this?

Does anyone want a sweet, spoiled old kitty who is not used to being around kids or other pets? I have to find a home for Mindy, too. Poor kitty.

Yes, I am smoking too much now.

I grabbed the mail Saturday and found a postcard from our local humane society. Dear Kathleen had made a donation as a memorial to Dickens, the poor old fellow we had to put to sleep recently. I was terrifically moved by her thoughtful gesture and it started me thinking how fortunate I am to know such fine, good people–Kathleen, Peter, Owen, Debra, Ben, Beth…

I also appreciate the support and comments from Norm, a reader of this blog who is going through major life changes and would like to kick his smoking habit–when he’s ready. Norm’s an addiction counselor and music aficionado in Ontario who hosts his own blog, Constant Change Is the Norm. Visit his blog–I think you’ll be encouraged to learn more about the honest and thoughtful way Norm is approaching transitions in his life.

No more Ms. Goody Two Shoes

OK–today my glass is half empty, blast it. April 11–and the snow is flying fiercely here in wondrous Wisconsin. Life’s more stressful than not–which is typical. Have I mentioned that one of my daughters is living with us with her absolutely perfect little baby? Can I say work’s a little stressful right now on a blog that is written under the auspices of my job? I can’t find time and courage (a long story) to be making art–which I desperately want and need to be doing. I wish I could get my depression under control. I wish I had more time.
Depressed, Stressed and Digressed

I’m puffing away on more than one cigarette a day–mostly two, rarely three. I can’t seem to get my focus back. I don’t want to smoke.

The Trust is an enthusiastic supporter of Wisconsin’s “Smoke Free Wisconsin” (SFW) tobacco control organization and its valiant missions, including:

1. Increasing the number of smoke-free environments.
2. Promoting an increase in tobacco taxes–a proven method of reducing tobacco use.
3. Supporting the Wisconsin Tobacco Control and Prevention Program.

Recently, the Trust developed a web presence for “It’s Time Wisconsin” SFW’s initiative in support of the proposed Smoke Free Wisconsin Act (LRB-0077/6), which, if passed, will prohibit smoking in all indoor public places in Wisconsin, including public buildings, workplaces, restaurants, and taverns. The site provides news, general information and actionable opportunities to move the act forward.

I’ll admit to occasionally being a bit of a hot head. A couple weeks ago, I pulled up behind a car at a stop light on my way to say goodbye to Dickens at the vet’s office. Three young, tough-looking guys were in the other car and one tossed a whole arm full of trash out the window.

Granted, I was already upset because of the pooch, but it really ticked me off that the guy just blithely tossed his big mess of garbage out. So I hit my car horn. Now, I noticed that these were big, mean-looking fellows out for a cruise just having fun blowing out their eardrums and shock absorbers with the BOOM BOOM BOOM of their sound system, at the same time clearing a bit of clutter from their car. I just wasn’t in the mood to let that concern me.

Well, their heads snapped around to see who had the gall to honk at them. They sat there for a few seconds after the light turned green, snarling and gesturing at me. Then they roared off.

The Cigarette Butt Hero of Montreal

A much-lauded YouTube video shows one of our brethren from “up nort” losing his cool when a parked driver decided to dump his overfull ashtray at the curb. Our hero, Monsieur Claude Landry walked to the car, scooped up the smoking debris with both hands and tossed the whole mess into the car window and the driver’s lap. A chase ensued.

Blowing Your Stack
If I’m really, really angry, I really, really want a cigarette. And, just as I ignored the threat of the thugish litterers in the car, I’m likely to ignore the risks of smoking when I’m already breathing fire.

Just about the only alternative when I’m boiling mad is cleaning the house. Chores like scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees and scouring the tub–muttering curses under my breath while I flail away.

I wish Jeff reacted this way when he’s mad. The basement might get cleaned!

What do you do with your old ashtrays when you quit smoking?

I’m fine with pitching most of them, but I have several ashtrays that are really pretty cool. One is carved brass from India. Three are bright enamel over brass in colors or patterns I really like.

I had the work gang do a little brainstorming about non-smoking uses for ashtrays and here are some of the options we came up with:

soap dish (I’ve used an antique cloisonne ashtray for guest soaps for years. It’s very cool.)

coasters

candle holder

container for potpourri other scented stuff

paperweight

cat food dish (my sister, Meg, uses a silver bowl for her spoiled kitty)

cookie cutter

sorter for beads or other tiny craft items

broken up and used for stained glass or mosaic

planter

doorstop

as a container for:

salsa, dip, olives, nuts, dried fruit, candy, sushi
coins when you empty your pockets (Jeff’s pockets contain the same stuff you’d find in an 8-year-old-boy’s pocket–string, rubber bands, coins,paper clips, CD liner notes, nails, cough drops, pens…)

coins for the poker table (Thank you, Steve L. Why wasn’t I surprised that you came up with this?)

toothpicks/party picks

earrings

paper clips, safety pens

Ashtray Art

A fraternity at the University of Nebraska-Omaha made a huge ball “sculpture” out of more than 650 ash trays as part of their “Snuff Out Tobacco” campaign. Pretty cool. I think it would make nice art in my garden–perhaps next to the giant rose-colored hollyhocks. Hmmm…

Referring to my gloomy moods after we had to put down our old hound, Dickens, a couple of weeks ago, our friend, Norm, wrote the following:

“You have reason to be down. In this case I know it as ‘phantom dog syndrome’; expecting it to round the corner as always. Then the realization, once again, that isn’t going to happen.

When I’m that way I rely on the cognitive end of the spectrum. I review fact based stuff on a regular basis to keep it in the forefront of my mind.”

I’m glad Norm brought up “the cognitive end of the spectrum.” I’ve had some experience with related techniques and think they could be of great value when you’re battling cigarette cravings.

Visualization/Guided Imagery

With visualization, you sit in a comfortable, quiet place and relax your muscles, starting with your toes, one body part at a time. When you reach the top of your head, sit calmly and visualize yourself in healthy situations–swimming, playing tennis, hiking, flamenco dancing.

Deep Breathing

Find a reasonably quiet place for this exercise. Slowly breathe in through your nose for until your lungs are full. Hold the air in for a second or two, then blow it out, very slowly, through your nostrils.

Cognitive Techniques

We’ve talked about these before. First, keep a smoking diary (you can download a smoking diary in the “Tools” section of this blog.) to determine which cigarettes you smoke out of habit, an emotional trigger or desire. Drop the habitual smokes–that’s pretty easy. Move on to the cigarettes that you smoke when you’re down or upset by finding reasonable substitutes or distractions. Last, tackle the cigarettes you desire–these cigarettes really reflect your addiction.

No magic here, but these techniques do work for many people.